Fire Marshal Rusty, Back In Action

Ask the Expert?

Fire Marshal Rusty answers your mail

Well, I’m back, once again doling out my expansive knowledge on all things Hiddenbrooke. It’s been a while my friends, but now that I have my column back, I’m really looking forward to spreading my conjecture to all who have so vehemently called me out of retirement.

For my first return I thought it might be fun to share with you some of my fan-mail from years past, and, it certainly goes without saying that the average HB resident comes with pointed thirst for knowledge, a desire quite unreflective of how some of you got into this neighborhood to begin with. To be honest, how some of these people ever make it out of the shower every morning without drowning, is quite beyond me. Enjoy…and keep those questions coming.

-Rusty

Q: Rusty, I’m a guy who weighs 220 lbs, pretty active. I do at least 12 hours per day on my ChairMaster, smoke cigarettes and wolf down corned beef sandwiches faster than Paris Hilton does hard time. I walk to my front door at least twice a day looking for new gardening flyers and haven’t worn anything except sweat-pants for years. For some reason I feel like I’m always tired, run down. I fall asleep during commercials and drink a steady diet of 10 beers a day. What would you suggest? Why do I always seem to have zero energy? -Asleep at the wheel

A: Dear AATW: What you’re experiencing is the same ailment which plagues Liza Minelli. I suggest finding the hardest surface available and beating your head upon it vigorously until you either see stars or at least believe you’re one of them. You may also wish to fill out a WILL.

Q: Hi Rusty! My name is John and I live in the Village. I am plagued by an evil Leprechaun who keeps threatening to build a pig farm in my back yard. I have tried to tell my wife about it but she says she doesn’t believe in fantasy creatures like Leprechauns, Elves or Eskimos. Am I the crazy one? What should I do?

A: First John, you’re certainly not crazy. Simply explain to her that these creatures do exist and if she’d only open her mind to the possibilities, she’d see what a blessing it would be to have any one of them toting their wares around your yard. Has she seen the price of whale blubber and bacon lately? For God’s sake man, get a divorce! 

Q: Hi Rusty, love your work! Here’s my question. My husband has a steel plate in his head secondary to a wound he received in the war. Every time I turn on the microwave Frank urinates his pants and forgets who he is for about 30 minutes. Should I be concerned? -Blanche in the Masters    

A: Sorry Blanche but I’m afraid I cannot answer your question without knowing more about Frank’s prosthetic. Is it U.S. steel or the cheap Canadian stuff? I believe I should come over with a few of my friends and a cam-corder to conduct extensive testing. This sounds far too funny to not see for myself.

Q: Dear Rusty: Yesterday I caught my dog having “relations” with an old teddy bear. Somehow he became entwined in some loose threads and now I cannot free him. He is in severe pain. How should I go about cutting him out? -Concerned in the Heights

A: Very carefully mam. Very, very carefully.

Q: Rusty, you suck! Did you get your degree from Cracker-Jack State College? You are a complete idiot and your articles make me sick! If I were you I’d go throw myself off a bridge!

- James in Westchester  

A: That would be “University” of Cracker-Jack, pinhead. And which bridge would you suggest?